Theseus and the Minotaur Exposed
by SilentStep
Summary: Theseus and the Minotaur as it's never been done before. Well, if it has I haven't read it. A lot of craziness and randomness! With a thousand elephants! Please read and review.
1. Act I

Theseus and the Minotaur Exposed

  
  


(A/N:

Disclaimer: I don't own Theseus and the Minotaur, that's a Greek Myth. All the "dead, Jim" jokes belong to Star Trek. Many thanks go to my friends John, Caitlin, Paul, Chris, Sara, my teacher Ms. Huntley, and my sister Tamar, who all helped. I also don't own the toy aliens from Toy Story, they belong to Pixar. I don't own Mushu from Mulan. He belongs to Disney and the great Eddie Murphy.

  
  


Well, here is the Theseus Play. It may undergo changes still, reviews are welcome, constructive criticism appreciated, etc. Without further ado... enjoy.)

  
  


There actually are twelve characters in the play, but this is done in such a way that they can all be played by only four people, with each actor or actress taking three roles. The curtain does not fall between each scene, rather, the lights black out and come back on.

  
  


ACT I

Characters(in order of appearance)

King Aegeus: Actor #1

Theseus: Actor #2

Jim: Actress #1

Woman: Actress #2

King Minos: Actor #1

Ariadne: Actress #2

Daedalus: Actor #2

Minotaur: Actress #1

Female dancer: Actress #2

Male dancer: Actor #1

Soldier: Actress #1

Recording: Actor #2

  
  


(Scene: The courtyard of a Grecian palace. There should be large pillars, grape arbors, statues of gods/goddesses, etc., everything possible to make it look as stereotypically "Grecian" as possible. As much of the set as possible is being carried on as the curtain rises. The characters are getting ready: One could be going over a script, one trying to remember a line, one could be adjusting the costume, one being instructed by the director, all the kind of last-minute preparations that go on before a play opens. Only JIM, THESEUS, and KING AEGEUS should be here. Finally, everyone takes his or her place, and the actual play starts. THESEUS, KING AEGEUS, and JIM are standing and talking. THESEUS and KING AEGEUS carry sheathed swords.)

  
  


JIM(to KING AEGEUS): Sir, the, um, (glances at THESEUS) gift is ready to depart for Crete.

  
  


KING AEGEUS: That is good. Well, not really. Anyways, see to it that the, um, (glances at THESEUS) gift leaves for Crete at once. (A pause, while KING AEGEUS, THESEUS, and JIM all wait expectantly. When nothing happens, they all glance off right, look at each other, and KING AEGEUS resumes talking, pretending to ad-lib.) We're certainly having some very fine crops this year.

  
  


THESEUS(glancing backstage, also speaking as if ad-libbing): Yes indeed. A very fine harvest.

  
  


JIM(During this line, all three characters, including JIM, should be frequently glancing off right.): Oh yes, all this rain we've been having was really good. For a while I was worried that we might have a flood, but it was a very nice amount of rain. And an excellent yield of corn. Sweet and juicy. I like corn. Do you like corn? I think just about everybody here likes corn. Corn is good, very tasty. (Looks backstage, motions "come here" frantically.) Yes. Corn.

(WOMAN runs in, hopping on one foot and finishing tying her other shoe. When she comes in, there is an audible sigh of relief from the other three characters.)

  
  


WOMAN(puts her foot down, speaks immediately): Oh, King Aegeus, save my son! (pronounces it EE-jus)

  
  


KING AEGEUS(exaggeratedly noble): I'll do what I can- and it's pronounced AY-jis, by the way. What is the matter with your son?

  
  


WOMAN: He's going to be sacrificed to the Minotaur! Oh! (Faints dramatically. THESEUS catches her, staggers around a bit, then drops her. KING AEGEUS looks grave.)

  
  


THESEUS: What's a Minotaur?

  
  


KING AEGEUS(brusquely): Theseus, go to your room. Jim, will you take him there?

  
  


JIM(bowing): Yes, sir.

  
  


THESEUS(whining): Aaaaawwww...........

(End of scene one)

  
  


(Scene: THESEUS'S room. JIM and THESEUS are standing arguing.)

  
  


THESEUS: What is a Minotaur, for the last time?

  
  


JIM(frustrated): I'm not supposed to tell you! Aargh! Kids these days! Huh!

(THESEUS threatens her with sword)

  
  


THESEUS(screaming): What the heck is a Minotaur??!!!??

  
  


JIM(sullenly): All right, all right! The Minotaur is some stupid monster on the island of Crete.(closes her mouth tightly. THESEUS presses sword closer to JIM's throat.) Fine! Fine! But take that big sharp thing away. I have a phobia of swords at my throat. And what's more, you shouldn't treat such objects like toys. If you want to get information out of someone, there are methods other then threatening them. Such as promising them chocolate. Hint hint. (THESEUS withdraws and sheaths sword.)

  
  


THESEUS: Fine, chocolate. (Game show announcer voice) If YOU can tell us what the Minotaur is, you geeeeet- A JUMBO CHOCOLATE BAR!! (Normal voice) Happy?

JIM: Yes, most definitely. Now. The Minotaur is a monster on the island of Crete. She lives in a labyrinth under the palace of Cnossus, home of King Minos. She's half a cow, half a person. She eats people, and King Minos makes your dad send fourteen youths, seven men and seven women, to Crete every nine years. The people are given to the Minotaur to eat. As long as this is provided, the Minotaur stays quiet. (THESEUS draws sword, threatens JIM again)

  
  


THESEUS(exaggeratedly nobly outraged): And you would pay this price?!?

  
  


JIM (slightly annoyed, speaks patiently as if talking to someone stupid.): Ok: Number one, like I already TOLD you, take AWAY the sword. It's all fun and games until someone loses a head. (THESEUS puts his sword away again.) Thank you. Number two: it's not exactly up to ME. Number three: if King Aegeus refused, King Minos would sack the city. One of the princes of Crete came here and was accidentally killed. So Minos uses this as an excuse, a sort of payment for his son's death. Let's imagine, shall we, that we refuse to provide this . . . sacrifice. (Sarcastically cheerful) King Minos rules Crete. Crete is much more powerful than we are. We'd all be killed. So, instead of fourteen people dying, everyone here would die! Want to choose that option instead? (Disrespectful) No. I didn't think so. Sir.

  
  


THESEUS: I'm gonna go talk to that woman. Where is she?

  
  


JIM: I think she is still in the courtyard, sir.

  
  


THESEUS: Good. (Starts to march out.)

  
  


JIM (loudly): Ahem?

  
  


THESEUS: Fine. (Hands her a jumbo chocolate bar. JIM unwraps it, and as THESEUS marches out, she munches, follows.)

(End of scene two)

  
  


(Scene: courtyard. WOMAN and KING AEGEUS are there. THESEUS strides in, exaggeratedly heroic and noble.)

  
  


THESEUS(exaggeratedly noble): Fear not, woman. I shall go in place of your son!

  
  


KING AEGEUS(screaming): Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! (Faints. Crashes to ground. Gets up, rubbing the back of his head.) You can't go! You'll be dead! Jim! (JIM runs in)

  
  


JIM(trying to sound cheerful but looking apprehensive): Y-yes, your Highness?

  
  


KING AEGEUS: You told him! You're dead, Jim! AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH! (He chases JIM off the screen and then comes back in. JIM looks back in and sticks her tongue out at KING AEGEUS. KING AEGEUS puts his hand on THESEUS'S shoulder. Attempts to sound calm.) Theseus. Forget about it, okay? It's a terrible but necessary evil. Just- forget you ever heard about the stupid thing, okay? (Hugely fake smile) 

  
  


THESEUS(Once more exaggeratedly noble): No, Dad. I cannot forget. I shall go in the place of this woman's son. Do not worry. I shall slay the Minotaur and return to you safely! (diabolical laughter) We go with black sails, but shall return with white sails as a signal of our victory! (More diabolical laughter. Lights are turned on and off to create the effect of lightning, sound effect of thunder. WOMAN runs to THESEUS.)

  
  


WOMAN: Oh, thank you, Theseus! (In high, squeaky, annoying voice like the toy aliens in Toy Story) I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grateful! I am eternally grate- (KING AEGEUS stops her. She leaves, dancing like a psychotic jackrabbit.)

(End of scene three)

  
  
  
  


(Scene 4: On Crete. THESEUS is walking toward Cnossus. He no longer carries a sword. If possible, one or two large statues of gods and goddesses are grouped around a picnic blanket. They should not be heavy. This is very important. We don't want a dead THESEUS on our hands. Well . . . maybe we do. But he can have heavy statues fall on him when we're not around. If people know we put the statues there, it could lead to some awkward questions. But, anyway, back to the play: KING MINOS comes on left, strides up to THESEUS.)

  
  


KING MINOS: Hey! You! (THESEUS looks over his shoulder, turns to KING MINOS and points to himself)

  
  


THESEUS: Me?

  
  


KING MINOS: You're the only one except me in this scene, aren't you?

  
  


THESEUS(matter-of-factly): Well, that's only because we don't have extras. In the actual story, there are fourteen of us, but we only have four actors/actresses, and the two girls are changing costumes right now.

  
  


KING MINOS: I don't care. Aren't you the son of King Aegeus? (Pronounces it EE-jus)

  
  


THESEUS(exaggeratedly noble): Yes, I am. (angrily) And it's AY-jis!

  
  


KING MINOS: I don't care. You're going to be killed first, too, because I hate your father!

  
  


THESEUS: But there's nobody else to kill. There aren't any extra actors or actresses...

  
  


KING MINOS: AAAAAAAAAAAA! I don't care!(Doppler effect of AAAAA

AAAaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- . . . as KING MINOS runs yelling off left. ARIADNE walks in from down left, looking beautiful. She flutters her eyelashes at THESEUS, takes a flower out of her hair and tosses it to THESEUS. THESEUS swoons dramatically, landing on the blanket. ARIADNE doesn't notice and keeps fluttering her eyelashes at the place where he was standing. Suddenly she stops, does a double-take at THESEUS lying unconscious on the ground. Looks at the audience, shrugs. Buries hands in pockets, walks off left whistling nonchalantly. The two dancers come onstage from opposite sides. Music begins. A dance follows, mostly ad-libbed. The female dancer should be doing ballet-like dancing, very traditional and graceful. The male dancer should be doing a more modern form of dance. The ballerina is eventually poked, and she gracefully and elegantly (etc., etc.) dies. After this, the male dancer goes to the statue(s) and pushes it(them) over to fall on top of THESEUS. THESEUS yells, and the male dancer runs off right, dragging the fallen female dancer with him. SOLDIER comes on left, stands the statue(s) up again and gathers up two of the corners of the picnic blanket. She drags the picnic blanket, THESEUS still unconscious on top of it, offstage left.)

(end of the very random scene four)

  
  


(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is sitting in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

  
  


ARIADNE(singsong): Yoo-hoo, Theseus . . . (THESEUS claps a hand to his forehead, moans.)

  
  


THESEUS: Ichy! Hey Cameraperson, can we do this scene over?

(A beep is heard, blacks out)

  
  


(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is sitting in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

  
  


ARIADNE(in a very ghetto voice): Hey! Thees! Whatzup, dude? (THESEUS claps hand to forehead, moans.)

  
  


THESEUS: Ariadne, you're really not getting this, are you? Cameraperson . . . ?

(A beep is heard, blacks out)

  
  


(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. THESEUS is asleep in the dungeon when ARIADNE walks in.)

  
  


ARIADNE(whispering): Theseus! Theseus!

  
  


THESEUS(waking up): Huh? Huh? What?

  
  


ARIADNE(slightly snobby about her title, and exaggeratedly dramatic.): It is I, Princess Ariadne, daughter of King Minos, ruler of all of Crete, granddaughter of Europa, wife of Zeus himself.

  
  


THESEUS: Oh. That's nice. Am I going to the labyrinth now?

  
  


ARIADNE: I'm going to save you because you're cute. (Afterthought) And brave. You can sneak back to your ship and escape.

  
  


THESEUS: That's okay. I want to go and kill the Minotaur.

  
  


ARIADNE: I'll see what I can do to help with that.(leaves)

(end of scene seven)

  
  


(Scene: In DAEDALUS'S study. It is a big mess. DAEDALUS is sitting at a desk, working on a pair of wings.)

  
  


ARIADNE: Hey! Daedalus!

  
  


DAEDALUS: One sec... almost done here... just gotta finish this wing...

  
  


ARIADNE: Daedalus, I need to talk to you.

  
  


DAEDALUS(completely absorbed in his work): Oh, thas' nice... one more feather...

  
  


ARIADNE(shouting, picking up a rubber chicken off the floor and whacking him on the back of the head with it): Daedalus!!

  
  


DAEDALUS(dropping the wing, looking around frantically): Wha? Huh? I didn't do it, I really didn't! I don't know how the boiling water got into the- (gets himself under control) oh, hello, your majesty.

  
  


ARIADNE: I need your help. Give me a blueprint of the labyrinth and a sword.

(End of scene eight)

  
  


(Scene: A dungeon in Cnossus. Theseus is sitting in the dungeon when Ariadne walks in. She is carrying a sword and a huge scroll.)

  
  


ARIADNE: Okay, Theseus, here's the plan. (She unrolls the scroll and tacks it to the wall, revealing a map of the High School on it, launches into extremely confusing directions. Who cares what they are. THESEUS looks lost.) Are you following me?

  
  


THESEUS: Ich Bin CONFUSED . . . (ARIADNE sighs, picks up blueprint, walks out. Comes back in. Carries ball of golden thread.)

  
  


ARIADNE: Okay, this a ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD! (Fanfare) Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated. (THESEUS looks at ARIADNE like she's from outer space.

  
  


THESEUS(with an expression of "What the . . . ? You're being weird." ): What am I supposed to do with a ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD (Fanfare) that is Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated?

  
  


ARIADNE: Tie the end of this ball of . . . (drumroll) MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD, (fanfare) copyright: Daedalus, incorporated, to the door of the labyrinth. It'll roll ahead of you to the Minotaur. Follow it in and roll it back up as you go out. After that . . . (she claps the back of her hand to her forehead in a very dramatic gesture and speaks in a dramatic tone of voice) it's up to you (dramatically extends her hands to him) to save us all! (Clasps her hands under her chin and stares of into space with a silly little dreamy smile on her face, then becomes suddenly almost bored, like "let's just get this over with and kill the dumb MINOTAUR.") Let's go. (They leave, camera zooms in on sword lying forgotten on the floor)

(end of scene nine)

  
  


(Scene: Labyrinth. Theseus is walking down the hallway, we see that he is following the MAGIC GOLDEN THREAD, Copyright: Daedalus, incorporated. It rolls ahead, possibly pulled by a string held backstage.)

THESEUS: I keep thinking that I've forgotten something . . . probably just my imagination. (The roar of MINOTAUR is suddenly heard. He tries to draw his sword but doesn't find it. Freaks out. Looks all over the surrounding floor. MINOTAUR runs in, roaring cheerfully, and THESEUS runs away.)

(end of scene ten)

  
  


(Scene: Labyrinth. THESEUS is being chased by the MINOTAUR, in and out of doors. For instance, THESEUS might go in one door, followed by MINOTAUR. Then THESEUS comes out of a door across the hall, MINOTAUR exits through the original door, etc., etc. Should be as complex & confusing as possible. MINOTAUR is roaring and bellowing very happily and excitedly this whole time. She should be tripping and banging into walls and closed doors quite often. THESEUS is finally cornered next to a large tapestry hanging on the wall, depicting scenes of toreadors. MINOTAUR advances. ARIADNE's hand reaches out from behind the tapestry and drags THESEUS through the tapestry, which then settles back into its original position. We hear a door being slammed. MINOTAUR begins to charge at the tapestry, hitting her head on something hard and unyielding every charge. If possible, it should sound like a wooden door. MINOTAUR draws back to charge again. This time, as she charges, we hear a door opening. She runs through the tapestry, which falls down on her head to reveal THESEUS and ARIADNE inside, THESEUS waving the red headscarf in the MINOTAUR's path. She shakes off the tapestry, sees the red headscarf, and charges at it.)

THESEUS: Toro!

  
  


ARIADNE: Ole! (At the last minute when MINOTAUR is about to hit the headscarf, THESEUS pulls it away, and MINOTAUR bangs into the wall behind it. This time, she rebounds, staggers, and falls over backwards. THESEUS & ARIADNE examine her.)

  
  


THESEUS(casual): She's dead. Let's go.

(end of scene thirteen)


	2. Act II

(A/N:

Disclaimer: see Act I. 

Here is the second act of the Theseus Play! Thank you and enjoy.)

  
  


ACT II

  
  


(Scene 14: Theseus and Ariadne are "on the deck" of a modern light sailboat. A false front would be fine, pulled back and forth ropes extending from each end, one is the same rope ARIADNE trips over. THESEUS and ARIADNE are standing behind the false front, and they move with it. The sail is black, and is cut off at the top so that there is a suggestion that there is a crow's nest.)

THESEUS(in a stereotypical pirates voice, growly and slightly nasal): Haharr, ahoy, mateys! (Normal voice)Uhhhhhh... (Pirate voice again) anchors away! (Normal voice) Er . . . whatever they say! (In a nasal, grating voice, like a parrot) MWRAWK! Pieces of eight, pieces of eight!

  
  


ARIADNE(Knocks on his head): Theseus, hello? There is nobody else on the boat?

  
  


THESEUS(looking nervously around, as if someone might hear, holding up his hands): Shhh! There are 13 others, remember?

  
  


ARIADNE: Sure. Whatever. (Someone yells from above, the vicinity of where the crows nest would be)

  
  


RECORDING: We're being pursued! Full sail!

  
  


THESEUS(Triumphant): If there are only us aboard, than who was that?

  
  


ARIADNE(casual, offhand): A recording. (Looks behind her, panicking) Oh no! It's Dad and the navy! RUUUUUN!!! (she runs, trips over a rope, and falls.)

  
  


THESEUS: We are on a boat. There is no need to run. Can tape recorders tighten sails?

  
  


ARIADNE: For the sake of this production, yes. (The sail is tightened. A false front of a modern motorboat, pulled back and forth ropes extending from each end, with KING MINOS and SOLDIER running with it behind it, suddenly speeds past THESEUS and ARIADNE'S sailboat.)

  
  


THESEUS: Are they gaining?

  
  


ARIADNE: Hard to tell. It seems they've passed us.

  
  


THESEUS: Are we gaining on them?

  
  


ARIADNE: They are heading on a collision course with us.

  
  


THESEUS(panicked): AAAAAAAAAAAA! What should we do?!?

  
  


ARIADNE(unperturbed): Turn. Fairly simple. (She turns the sailboat. There is a boat chase, as intricate as possible. Neither boat should be really pursuing the other. Finally, MINOS' ship has almost succeeded in boarding. THESEUS screams.)

  
  


THESEUS: AAAAAH! WHAT NOW? Um . . . umm . . . oh yeah! STAND AND FIGHT, YOU MANGY COWARDS! Hey! What's with the spear throwers? CHEATERS! (He ducks. SOLDIER throws a broom at him, and it whizzes over his head. ARIADNE catches it) You're supposed to fight me in a big battle where I can slay you all and earn a reputation as a fierce fighter. No shooting from a distance! (THESEUS continues to yell about what lily-livered yellow-bellied scaredy-cats MINOS and SOLDIER are.)

  
  


ARIADNE: Oh yeah! I forgot! Before we left, I put holes in that ship. (Calls over) Hey! Y'all can't sail! Your ship is supposed to sink! 

  
  


MINOS(yelling back): Are you sure?

  
  


ARIADNE: Dead sure.

  
  


MINOS: We are not. If there are holes in the ship, then how come we're not sinking? (He begins to lecture in a boring monotone. As he speaks, SOLDIER walks around to the front of the boat and pokes nervously at the false front, then shrugs and comes back onto the boat.) If there is a hole in the ship, then the hull would have filled up with water, and without the aid of an air-filled hull to increase our volume and make it more than the mass, then the mass is more than the volume. This would result in a density of greater then 1.00. Obviously, we are NOT sinking, meaning therefore that the density of the ship is less then 1.00, which would not be possible unless the hull was filled with air, which in turn would not be possible if there really were holes in the ship. (Normal voice)What kind of drill bit did you use? Did you make sure the hole went all the way through?

  
  


ARIADNE: I used an axe, and yes, it went all the way through!

  
  


MINOS: Then why are we not sinking?

  
  


ARIADNE: Do not ask me, why should I know?

  
  


MINOS: You put the hole in the ship. You figure out why it isn't working.

  
  


ARIADNE: It's impossible that you're still afloat!

  
  


MINOS: Whether it's possible or not isn't my concern.

  
  


ARIADNE: Well, I don't really care HOW you are still on top of the water, but it's scripted that you have to sink. So . . . just . . . steer the ship to the bottom or something.

  
  


MINOS: Oh, fine. Can't argue with the scriptwriter, I guess. Don't know WHAT she was thinking, though, crazy girl. Waiting 'till now to tell me that we were going to have to sink.

  
  


ARIADNE: Did you even read the script?

  
  


MINOS: Well, the Minotaur ate her copy, so I let her see mine. But since we don't have any extra actors/actresses for her to eat, she was really hungry and . . . well . . . it was only the last few pages, after all. I was sure they wouldn't matter. 

  
  


ARIADNE: You're too soft, you know. I bet you didn't even scold her when she ate that script.

  
  


MINOS: She was hungry! You don't think I'd begrudge an animal, not only that, but a member of an extremely endangered species, a script if they are in need of food? True, I need the script, but she needed it more! To deny a living thing nourishment- 

  
  


ARIADNE: Spare us the lecture, please. Sink and be done with it.

  
  


MINOS(sighing): All right. (Taps the side) Ship, sink please. (The ship sails off, and there is a sound of water going down a drain. MINOS comes back in a little rowboat. SOLDIER "swims" desperately after him.)

  
  


SOLDIER: Minos, you idiot! Wait for me! COME BACK HERE! (She finally reaches the rowboat and hauls herself aboard) Look, just 'cause I'm not a vital character here doesn't mean you can just go off and forget me! Soldiers and guards, contrary to most movies, are not expendable! I am still human! Guards and soldiers have names, they probably have families, they have lives of their own!

  
  


MINOS(Whispering frantically): You're not supposed to have any lines in this scene! Shut up!

  
  


SOLDIER(Muttering loudly, not quite to herself): Who died and made you king? (MINOS gives her a Look.) Let me rephrase that. Who died and made you the director?

  
  


MINOS: Shut up, soldier!

  
  


SOLDIER: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

  
  


MINOS: Well, I AM king, you know.

  
  


SOLDIER: Oh, king, eh, very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma in our society. Now-

  
  


ARIADNE: For someone who wasn't even part of this production until the second-to-last draft of this thing, you have an awful lot of lines. Do you want your broom back?

  
  


SOLDIER: Oh, yeah, thanks. That'll probably come in handy for whacking this idiot over the head when he starts babbling about conservation and animal rights. (ARIADNE throws the broom back. It hits MINOS on the head, and he looks disgruntled. SOLDIER snickers to herself and takes the broom.)

  
  


MINOS(To ARIADNE): Next time you put a hole in the ship, do it right, okay? (He goes back offstage, following the direction that the ship took. ARIADNE points offstage to the other side.) 

  
  


ARIADNE: Ooooh look. A preeeteee island. Let's put in there for a rest.

(End of scene 14)

  
  


(Scene 15: On an island. ARIADNE and THESEUS are sitting on the shore.)

  
  


ARIADNE: I'm going to take a nap.

  
  


THESEUS: Okay, I am going to go inland and look for white cloth.

  
  


ARIADNE: Why?

  
  


THESEUS: Because I forgot to bring some with me, and I need to put up white sails because we 

won.

  
  


ARIADNE: I doubt that you'll randomly find white sailcloth on some random uninhabited island.

  
  


THESEUS: I'll look.

  
  


ARIADNE: Whatever. (goes to sleep. THESEUS walks into the woods. ARIADNE gets up, thinking the scene is over. Talks conversationally with cameraperson.) Well, you know, Cameraperson, I think that is just about the stupidest scene in this play. Completely pointless. (Pause) What are you trying to signal, waving your hand like that? (Sound of scribbling with a pencil, and ARIADNE squints at phantom cue card) Your handwriting is terrible. What the heck does that SAY? Why don't you just talk? Screen . . . schism . . . scare . . . oh, SCENE! Scene, not, over? Um, (realizes her mistake) oops. Haha. (Hastily, she lies back down, snores. Begins sleep-talking) Sorry about that. (resumes snoring.) The paper sun in the background travels across the sky, and a sign is held up reading "later." An alarm clock rings, and ARIADNE sleepily whacks at the sand around her, trying to turn off the alarm clock. It stops on its own. ARIADNE wakes up, yawns, stretches, etc. Gets up to see a little paper boat sailing away on a sheet of dark blue paper.) AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! (Calls after the boat) Hey! Theseus! You've forgotten something very crucial! (Sits down and looks around the island with a general attitude of "oh, great, NOW what?" Eventually she shrugs, tears a large vertical rip in the blue paper, and steps through the rip offstage. We hear her exasperated voice from behind the paper.) Sheesh. He forgets EVERYTHING. (Walking away, her voice is fading out) Where IS that canoe?

(end of scene 15)

  
  


(Scene 16: In the courtyard of the palace. KING AEGEUS is standing with a hand shading his eyes, looking at the blue paper. It has been taped back together with masking tape. JIM walks in.)

JIM: He cometh not from the east, nor the west, nor the south, nor the north, sir?

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Skip all that, just- no sign of him yet.

  
  


JIM: No sign of him yet, sir?

  
  


KING AEGEUS: No. I am worried that he is dead, Jim.

  
  


JIM (exaggeratedly dramatic): Ah, sir, put not such thoughts into words!

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Too late, I just did.

  
  


JIM: Well, you never know, sir, he could be coming from behind the tape.

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Yes, that could be.

  
  


JIM: Well, he's sure to be coming any day now. (long pause, in which neither KING AEGEUS or JIM move. Finally JIM continues.) AHEM, he's sure to be coming any day now?!? HE'S SURE TO BE COMING ANY DAY NOW!! Please excuse me for a moment, your majesty. (Goes offstage, and we hear her talking as if from a distance.) HEY THERE! HELLO? GREECE TO STAGE CREW, COME IN STAGE CREW! What is UP with you guys? (Pause) What do you MEAN, you can't hear what I'm saying? (Pause) What, is my mike off? No, the mike is on . . . the problem is at your end. (Pause) OHHH yes it is. (Pause) Well, check. It has to be at your end. (Pause) She WHAT? You have got to be kidding me. (Pause) Well, are there any more spare cords? What kind of stage crew are you? Well, just- oy vey. I'll be right back. (Comes back on stage) Your Majesty, do you happen to have a spare cord on you? The Minotaur ate the one that connects our mikes to Sound.

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Yes, hold on. (Takes off his crown, rummages in it. Rattling sounds, as if there is a lot of stuff in his crown. Takes out a rubber chicken) What the- ohhh, it's my rubber chicken! I thought the Minotaur had eaten it years ago! (Pets the rubber chicken) It's okay, the mean, nasty Minotaur won't eat you. (JIM looks at him really funny. KING AEGEUS puts the chicken back in his crown, rummages some more. More rattling sounds, pulls out an extension cord.) Here you go.

  
  


JIM: Thank you. (Goes back offstage, and again we hear her talking as if from a distance.) Here, look, King "Ee-jis" had a cord in his crown. And a rubber chicken. (Pause) Yeah, I know. I really think it's the Minotaur. (Pause) Minos got sick and asked Aegeus to take care of her for the day. (Pause) Oh yes, he actually did agree to do it, if you can perceive something so utterly stupid. And she drove him right up the wall, all the way to the ceiling.

  
  


KING AEGEUS (calling off after her): Jim, cut the chitchat, get that cord plugged in, and get back here. We've got a play to finish, remember?

  
  


JIM: Yikes, hope he didn't hear me call him Ee-jis. The cord goes here, right? (Lights flicker. An explosion is heard, and the lights go out completely.)

  
  


KING AEGEUS (yelling really loudly): JIM! What's going on? (Pause, as JIM considers how best to word what has happened. KING AEGEUS continues.) Are you dead, Jim?

  
  


JIM: I'm okay, it's just some minor technical difficulties, sir, we'll get it sorted out in a minute. (Some crashes, more explosions) VERY minor technical difficulties, sir. (More explosions, more crashes, someone screams. JIM speaks like Mushu from Mulan) Did- did I mention that the technical difficulties were minor?

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Yes, you did.

  
  


JIM (calling): Daedalus! Daedalus, come here please! We are in need of your expert knowledge of all things technical! (Pause) Please? (Pause) Oh, someone go and get his attention! You know what he gets like when he starts working on those stupid wax wings of his. (Pause)

  
  


DAEDALUS (from offstage): Jim, how on Greece did you manage to mess things up THIS badly?

  
  


JIM: All I did was plug in a cord, sir.

  
  


DAEDALUS: Yes, but where? (His voice moves on stage) Your Majesty, do you happen to have some sort of light that doesn't need to be plugged in? Like that big ol' flashlight that you bought during the great power failure of 3001 B.C. Do you still have that around? (We hear the rattling sound of KING AEGEUS looking through his crown. The flashlight is lit, and the light moves offstage.)

  
  


DAEDALUS (from offstage): Oh, now I see what you did. (Pause) Jim, do you have a brain at 

ALL? Look at this! It's so self explanatory- how did you manage to miss this-

  
  


JIM: Nothing technical makes sense to me.

  
  


DAEDALUS: This isn't even technical! This is COMMON SENSE- (sighs) Oy vey. (Some clinks, crashes, and explosions. Finally, DAEDALUS heaves a sigh.) You should be all right to go now. Never do that again, Jim.

  
  


JIM: No, sir. I won't. (Her footsteps move back onstage, and the lights come back on, fading in if possible. She speaks with as much cheer as she can muster to KING AEGEUS.) We got it, sir. Sound can hear us and the lights are back on. So, then! (Clears throat, speaks wearily) Well, he's sure to be coming any day now. (As in Scene 15, the boat is seen being pulled across the blue paper. The boat stops at the tape, is pulled out and pushed back in on the other side of the tape. The sails are black.)

  
  


KING AEGEUS: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHH! HE'S DEAD, JIM! (Jumps into a kiddy pool that has a sign saying "Aegean Sea." It doesn't necessarily need to contain water, but if it doesn't, there should be a sound effect of a splash.)

  
  


JIM: Your Highness, it is practically impossible to drown in a kiddy pool. And be careful that your crown doesn't rust.

  
  


KING AEGEUS: It's gold, gold doesn't rust or tarnish.

  
  


JIM: It may have been gold in the story, but we couldn't get you a real gold crown because a.) They're expensive and b.) They're ridiculously heavy. You'd never be able to hold your head up. I have no idea how the actual King Aegeus managed it. His crown probably was a gold alloy, in which case it might have rusted or tarnished. Or wood, painted a gold color.

  
  


KING AEGEUS(Incredulous): Wood, painted gold? For the crown of the King? And even if that was the case, there wouldn't be a problem of the crown rusting or tarnishing. It isn't a problem here, either, as the crown is plastic. 

  
  


JIM: Shhhh, we're too early for plastic, remember? (THESEUS enters right)

  
  


THESEUS: Hi Jim, hi dad, taking a swim?

  
  


KING AEGEUS: Sort of. Welcome home. Did you slay the Minotaur?

  
  


THESEUS: Yes.

  
  


JIM: What about your wife?

  
  


THESEUS: Oh, I forgot her on the island. (A canoe with a white sail is pulled across the blue paper, again jumping over the tape. ARIADNE enters, dragging a canoe with a mast stuck in the middle. The mast has white sails.)

  
  


ARIADNE: Theseus, have you ever considered taking a class in memory enhancing or something? Because this could be a bother, chasing you every time you forget me somewhere. Oh, and by the way, I found the sail on the island.

  
  


JIM: I'm going to go see if there's chocolate in the pantry. (JIM walks off left. MINOTAUR suddenly roars, JIM yells and we hear running footsteps crossing from left to right. If possible, someone could be shown running too fast for the audience to be able to tell if it is really JIM. MINOTAUR runs on right, looks confused and searches in a puzzled way for JIM. She then lifts her nose in the air and sniffs, "follows a scent" to KING AEGEUS'S crown, grabs the rubber chicken out of AEGEUS'S crown, puts it in her mouth, looks immensely pleased with herself, and runs off right.)

  
  


(The credits begin. However, the characters ignore this fact, and continue talking.)

  
  


JIM (slightly sarcastic): Awww, happy ending.

  
  


KING AEGEUS: What are you talking about? The poor rubber chicken has been stolen by the Minotaur!

  
  


KING MINOS: King Aegeus, how can you deny her the joy of a rubber chicken-

  
  


ARIADNE: Da-ad! King Aegeus does NOT want to hear about how Minotaurs are oppressed all over Greece! Neither do whoever is watching this, I'm sure!

  
  


THESEUS: In case none of you have noticed, the movie is over?

  
  


JIM: Ah, who cares. Things go on during credits all the time.

  
  


DAEDALUS: I STILL cannot comprehend just exactly HOW you managed to make such an infernal mess of the cords.

  
  


JIM: Oh, forget the cords. I know nothing about cords. I can't tell a socket from a telephone.

  
  


DAEDALUS: Remind me never to let you hold my calls when I'm taking my break.

  
  


ARIADNE: Well, it wasn't exactly her fault, you know. We all live too early to know about electricity.

  
  


DAEDALUS: It's the principle of the thing.

  
  


MINOTAUR: GRAAAUUUUGGGGEEEERRR!!!!!!!!!!

  
  


KING MINOS: It's okay, we'll find something for you to eat soon. How about this script here?

  
  


JIM: Hey, that's mine!

  
  


KING MINOS: The play is over, so I really don't think that you'll need it.

  
  


(We hear MINOTAUR crunching loudly, and bites are taken out of the credit page until it is all gone. There is blue paper behind it.)

  
  


THE END.


End file.
